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September 1st, 2003

09:25 pm I love him to pieces, but no one frustrates me quite the way that he does. Gawd. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Michelle Branch's new album

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August 24th, 2003

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August 16th, 2003

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August 14th, 2003

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August 12th, 2003

06:14 am - All grown up.... Well, Sam and I signed the lease today and we're officially moving into our apartment on the 2nd. Although I moved out of my house a year ago, and have been completely taking care of myself since the summer started (ie, moved out of the dorms and started paying rent and bills without help from my mom), and have considered myself independent now, reading and signing that lease made me feel like adulthood was bonking me on the head. After we left the realtor's, Sam and I were talking about it in the car and he felt the same way. It's a little scary, but it's about time. I mean, I'm 19 and Sam's 21. It was definately time for him to move out of his parents' house. Finances are going to be a little tricky for the first couple of months as we start buying stuff we need (like a double bed so we're not squished together in his twin bed every night; groceries; a litter box for the cat; etc), and I pay off a few debts that I have, but after a few months it should balance out. It's hilarious, we can't wait to get in there and decorate. We get on AIM at night and IM each other pictures of coffeetables and couches that we find. It's a cute little apartment. It has really high doorways, so Sam can get through without ducking. It's just big enough for the two of us. It has a decent sized living room, a fairly big master bedroom, a little kitchen, a little bathroom, and a smaller bedroom that Sam's going to use to keep his toys in. And closets galore. It's a little oddly structured, though. The two doors in the living room open into the two bedrooms. The bedrooms are both connected to the bathroom. It's really just the kitchen that gets me. The only way into the kitchen is through the master bedroom. Kind of strange, but I'm sure we'll manage. Well, I'm off to start packing! Current Mood: accomplished

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August 8th, 2003

06:02 am - Heh. Forgot. Sam had some interesting dreams in the past couple of days. In the first one I heard about, I was cheating on him blatantly with Jason Kennedy, and his band had replaced him with another bass player without telling him. He slapped me and punched out Justin in the dream. Eek!! In the second dream, he was marrying Crystal, but he didn't want to. They were at the reception, and I was sitting over a table, and he kept looking at me. Then it skipped to the wedding, and he kept thinking about pushing Crystal out of the way and grabbing me and pulling me up there. Then it cut to his backyard, and it was flooded. He was swimming and almost drowning, trying to get to me to save me, although I quite obviously didn't need saving, as I was standing on a mountain of dirt and playing in the rain. He confessed his love for me and said that he wasn't in love with Crystal, and he was still in love with me, and I just kind of blinked at him and said "I know. We've been together for how long now??" I love Crystal to pieces, but that's just kind of funny. Current Mood: okay Current Music: still the Daredevil soundtrack

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05:52 am - Finally.... Sam and I are moving in together in two weeks. We found an apartment that we love today. It's two bedroom, one bathroom. It's got high ceilings and looks a little old fashioned, which I love. We're taking the biggest bedroom and turning the second bedroom into a toy room. :) We can have our cat there, as well as the rats, and everything's peachy except for the fact that we're now scrambling for money. He's going to take on another job, as am I. It will be absolutely awesome to live together though. I can't wait. It's got central air, which is fabulous, because I have actually never lived anywhere in the past year that had air conditioning in the bedroom. Can't wait to decorate that place. Woo! Current Mood: excited Current Music: Daredevil soundtrack

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August 2nd, 2003

01:38 am Party ended gorgeously with Sam puking for three hours. Dandy. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Foo Fighters, "The Colour and the Shape"

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July 30th, 2003

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02:50 am - Owwww.... I managed to royally fuck up my neck stretching this morning. Gah! Hurts like a bitch. Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow. Talked to Crystal, Sam's ex, for a couple of hours tonight. We got along REALLY well. Sam's gonna freak! :) She's getting shat on my some asswipe, though. A party must be had. I converted her to the suicidegirls.com crowd, too, lol. Oh, addictive erotica!!! Fun, fun site. Never thought much of porn sites. Now I go here and get tattoo ideas. Tons of fun. Well, everyone online has gone to bed. Perhaps I should too. Bloody hell, I spent my money on comic books and nowI'm out of cigarettes. BAH! I really want to cut/style/dye someone's hair. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Jack Off Jill, "When I Am Queen"

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July 27th, 2003

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July 21st, 2003

05:40 pm Tomboy What's your sexual appeal? brought to you by Quizilla

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05:25 pm I have issues with... patience domination children history water Take Word Association Test

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05:10 pm You're Lingerie Bettie...look at you, you sexy thang, your a little dark and maybe a little depressed deep down. maybe you've been caught a few times posing in front of that mirror of your's. Which Bettie Page Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

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04:47 pm - *grumble* Can't go to work, will kill owner. I'm feigning illness in the hopes that I won't have to work with the bastard tonight. Hoping that someone will think "Poor thing" and close for me. Unlikely, but worth a shot. Got my drummer and bass player for the recording of the track I'm sending in for the movie. Just have to get strings and schedule studio time now. We have a month and a half, so we should be okay. Not much else going on. It's ungodly hot and I desperately hope that someone calls me to tell me that they'll close for me tonight. I can't stand the asshole owner. He should be dragged into the street and shot. I'll spread the seed of discontent amongst the other employees and we'll take over the coffee shop. Sounds good to me. Can't work, can't work, can't work. Blah. Current Mood: tired

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July 20th, 2003

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July 19th, 2003

08:36 pm Can one in fact become suicidally bored? Not depressed, persay, just literally bored beyond the brink of their sanity. If so, I do believe I am very, very close to it, if not there already. Lay on the couch last night for three hours bored and depressed beyond mobility. I could not find the will to move from lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, for three full hours. Feel almost frantic. I need something to do. I need attention from someone...anyone! I find myself thinking "I may as well kill/cut myself because nothing really worth my time is going to happen to me ever again, the way things are going". And then my little rational voice speaks up and says "Shut up and go drink some apple juice and watch a movie". But the thing that bothers me is that my little hopeless voice is starting to sound extremely deadpan, not too far off from my rational voice (and for the record, should anyone read this, this is just me trying to explain something. I do not, in fact, hear voices. More's the pity. Perhaps I wouldn't be so lonely). I think I'm seriously going to lose it if something doesn't change, if I don't get out of here. I tried to explain it to Sam and he took it completely wrong, as somehow an attack on him, which it completely wasn't. He kind of semi made fun of me (I don't think he was trying to be mean about it though) and left it at that, and wouldn't come see me when I asked him to because I really don't want to be alone right now. "I lay me down tonight, Much further down.... All insects sing tonight, The coldest sound. I'd send God's grace tonight, Could it be found."--AFI, "Girl's Not Grey" Current Mood: crazy Current Music: AFI: Sing the Sorrow

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05:40 pm Doing better. Last night was rough. Got out of work in a horrible fucking mood at one. Sam and I were supposed to hang out after work, but I got off so late, he was so tired, and I was in such a shitty mood that he just dropped me off and went home. Spent the majority of the night feeling completely immobilized by depression. Thought a bit about this track I'm supposed to be rerecording for a movie soundtrack. Don't really like it, myself. It's the product of last summer, when I lived in the recording studio. But if that's the one he's in love with, he's welcome to it. I don't really know what had me so down. I get that a lot lately while I sit up at 3 and 4 in the morning. I just hate everything sometimes. I hate having nothing worthwhile to do. It may be that this is the product of me not having strings on my guitar and thus my creativity has been presented with a huge roadblock. I hope so. That would be easy to fix. We should hope it's nothing bigger, although who knows. I hate sitting here at night staring into my computer or the tv, and all I can do is think of how much of my life I waste staring blankly into these plastic boxes. I lay on the couch, and I just could not find the will to move at all for any reason. It took me a full half hour to muster up the will to get up and go to the computer to talk to my bass player and schedule studio time. Cried just a little bit, wished for Sam a little bit. Eventually just went to bed. Not much has happened today. I don't work. Went over to Brandon's and was reduced to a happy, relaxed Anna. I went home, and that pretty much brings me up to date. I need something/someone to do. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Alkaline Trio, "Every Thug Needs a Lady"

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July 17th, 2003

01:35 am - Wonderful. What a horrifyingly bad night. Got to work to serve up shit tons of coffee to people who don't feel the need to tip. Got out of work an hour later than I should have because the owner came in a closing and slowed everything down. Dave sat out in his car for an hour or so and was pissed off at me for multiple reasons, including the fact that he had to wait so long. He chewed me out on the way home, saying lots of things especially that made me wonder if some of the worse things my mom said about me back in the day aren't entirely true. I was already so tired and frustrated when I got out of work that I was near tears, and after that I'm just sitting here shaking. I've been so depressed lately that there aren't words to describe it. Thought a lot about some stuff at work today. Like the fact that I spend day after day waiting for time to pass and for it to be time to go to work. The pleasure of my company has diminished for damn near everyone I know. Sam's the only person I can really think of right now who actively seeks me out to hang out with and do stuff with. Thought I had a decent amount of friends while school was in session, but there are apparently plenty of people who were happy enough to talk to me and bring their problems to me and cry on my shoulder when they felt like it, but now I'm nothing to everyone. I've been dropped. I'm really not very important to anyone. And now, when I'm sitting here feeling by far the most miserable I have ever felt, I can't even find anyone who wants to listen to me at all. Not even Sam. Not as happy as I could be with him, even. When we first got together, I trusted him almost immediately. I inexplicably do that with some people, and usually my judgement is right on. Then he broke up with me, and we got back together two days later. But so much trust I had has been demolished by those two days and everything he said to me on that first day. And I find that a lot of the time I'm waiting for him to leave. I don't expect him to stay anymore. And I hate that. I hate that I expect to be left. And I hate that I feel mildly surprised when he wants me to be at his shows and things like that, really anything that shows he wants me around. Maybe things will get better after awhile, but I have to say that I'm not giving into this 100% like I used to, and I'm not letting him get as close because I don't want to ever be hurt like that again. I hate being disposable. "Just forget me, it's that simple." --Taking Back Sunday Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Taking Back Sunday, "Your Own Disaster"

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July 16th, 2003

03:26 am Weird. I've been this funk all day long. It was really bad. I think it actually started yesterday with my migraine. Once it was gone, I didn't really make sense to myself for a little while. I don't really know why that would be, but that's how it happened. Started talking to a few of the people from my little posse from high school. Reminds me that no matter how few people I actually genuinely like here, I'm a QUEEN back in little ole Madison!! Ha. It's kind of sad though. There are really only a few of us that turned out okay. One of my best friends from that time is unrecognizable. She's addicted to every drug you could name. We all used to smoke pot occasionally, and sometimes, sometimes do something a little harder, but she's literally completely out of her mind. I talk to my friend Rae, and she takes care of Samantha (my drug addled friend). They hang out together, and Sam will lose her mind, literally start rolling on the floor, if she can't get her hands on any kind of substance for too long. It's so horrible. In high school, it was me, Sam and Rae in each others' constant company. I loved Sam to death. We got into sooo much trouble together. Terrorized the college campus Rae lived on. Shot fireworks off at passing security and running, hanging out at night in the chapel (doing very ungodly things), general vandalization...we were trouble. And I loved them both so much. And now I can look at Sam and think "Who the hell are you anymore?" My friend is gone. And I don't know what to do about it anymore. Nothing seems to stop her. She's been arrested, expelled...and nothing Rae and I could ever say to her would change anything, because in her eyes, nothing's wrong and we're overreacting. The only thing I can really think of to do now is to drive down there, get Rae, kidnap Sam, take her up here, lock her in a room for a month and slip her crackers to live off of under the door. Sometimes I just want to punch her. How can she do this to herself, or to me and Rae? We always took care of each other, but how much is too much? I'm not very good at knowing when to quit. I hate looking through my photos and seeing the tons and tons of pictures of the three of us, hugging, goofing around, laughing at the camera. Our younger selves reminding me of what we've lost. The kidnapping plan DOES sound like something we'd do... "Maybe I should hate you for this. Never really did ever quite get that far" --Taking Back Sunday Current Mood: awake Current Music: Taking Back Sunday: "You're So Last Summer"

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